It has been, what two months since my last post. Doc has put me on some new medication. Seems to be working great, if I can manage a few of the side effects that is. Almost hate to bring them up to doc as I do not want to loose the benefits of the med. Anyway that is not really the subject of this post.
The subject of this post is my struggle to deal with people and criticisms. More then likely it is perceived criticisms. I am not sure at all if they are meant to be criticisms or not. It is frustrating because I want to throw my hands up and say, "Here you do it, see if you can do any better!" I want to run and hide and not be hurt. I don't really think they are out to hurt me it is just that (yet again) I am betrayed by my feelings.
Those are the times that I think I would give up any benefits I am getting from the meds to go back to not feeling at all. I don't and I won't do that (obviously). At least not of my own volition (that is a subject for another post). I just struggle with this fight or flight response to the littlest things it seems these days. Maybe I am just noticing it more that I am on the meds. You know thinking about it that may be what my depression was all about. Fleeing from everything! Now I know I am doing it, or at least I care about the fact that I am doing it.
Life is funny that way I think. You become depressed to stop feeling the hurt, and you stop feeling everything. Ok, that may be, or that is a very oversimplification of the process. The problem is that you still have the pain when you start to come out of the depression. Or in my case bipolar. I just keep taking it one step at a time, and work through everything as I go but it is so hard not to run. My wife says its an all or nothing attitude (grin). She would like that I admitted its true.
