Hope, it is the one thing that Depression robs you of that I miss the most. Today was an interesting day, it was a day of hope. It started out awful. DW trying to wake me up to go to church. Didn't happen. I woke up when they cam home the vivrin she tried to give me still sitting on the pillow next to me. We had decided to have the pastor and his wife over (due to having a successful couple of days cleaning up the CHAOS.) Besides it really has been way to long since we have had anyone over. My DW made this wonderful roast. (Crock Pots are wonderful tools). Anyway finally made it up a little around noon. Did ok most of the day. Wife had this list of things that still needed to get done. The list was daunting and I struggled with the urge to chuck it and get on the computer. Having the list made it easier. I knew what was expected in advance. We got everything done although we were getting dressed as they drove up
We had a wonderful dinner, and even got to say Happy Birthday to them with a special cake that DW had made. We discussed things of the web and a few church related things. I found myself very animated. Maybe I am just hitting my stride into a manic phase. Oh God I hope not. It has been a while since I talked about anything that animated. The lights of hope are beginning to come on. It is a scary feeling as well.
Scary, yeah I know it sounds weird to even say that. I fear the crash. The sudden bone jarring crash that tells me the rug is being pulled out from under me yet again. At work there is a quite common occurrence. We use a ladder to lift product up to the risers, we have several different sizes. Inevitably your left foot is on the last rung and you reach with your right foot for the floor only to realize it just passed the last wrung you though you were standing on. It is in that moment, that split second that lasts an eternity that your mind realizes the jar it is about to feel. You step down the ladder ever so gingerly for a while and then get comfortable.
I can choose to stay on the ladder. Grab hold with both hands moving neither foot up or down. That would be a pretty boring life. Not one worth living much. All you can do is try to be careful, stay alert, look for warning signs, and when you do fall, cause we all will. Its part of that sin nature. Have a plan in place to make sure the fall isn't to far and someone is there to pick you up.
Another way of looking at it is in the song on the radio as I type this "...pain hurts, but only for a minute, life is short so live it..." Life's too short, and I will need all you folks to remind me of that fact when I start to crash .
