Several years ago I was diagnosed with clinical depression. It has been a rough road. I am still in the midst of the struggle. My hope that this blog will be a step in what I hope to be my recovery.

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  Happy New Year

It is hard to believe that a new year has started. So much has changed over the course of the last year and so much has remained the same. We are now 8 years into a new decade. A View has been around now for since 2003. A lot has happened since that time and my idea of having a blog that was a daily journal of my life just hasn't panned out. Now I must come to the dilemma do I keep the blog going or do I pack it in and try something new. I think that I will try one more time to make a go of it. I had dreamed that by now I would have at least a few regular readers, and those who would post comments. I must confess a few disappointments in this area. Though that is quite possibly my fault.

Well a New Year is the ultimate in new beginnings. So I will be making a new beginning to A View. We are starting over in many ways this year. We have started to attend a new church. One were there is less chance of having the past rear its ugly head. I have started a new job at work. It is enjoyable but carries with it its own stress. I am determined to try and get my web design business up and running, that is going to take some work and unfortunately some money.

I must admit that I am really fighting the depression and with it the desire just to run away and do nothing. It is a despair feeling that no matter what I do it just will not work. We are in serious financial difficulties, have some serious transportation issues, housing is sub par and barely meets our needs. I really just want to throw my hands up and say enough is enough. I give up, I have no more fingers to stick into the dike to hold back the tide. I know this is not the right feeling, but it is the urge that is overwhelming me right now. There is so much I want to accomplish this year. Some of the items I am looking at accomplishing this year, not in any particular order.

1) Establish my business in Springfield.
2) Read the Bible on a regular basis.
3) Write more (my blog and maybe do some short story or novel writing)
4) Improve my marriage in at least 1 tangible way.

That is enough for one year. Now I just have to figure out how to do it.
- posted by Lion's Cub @ 13:29

 

I was reviewing some of my older posts. I found one here where I took this personality test. For grins I took it again and while I found the original very interesting I found the changes to be equally interesting.

Disorder | Rating
Paranoid: Low
Schizoid: Low
Schizotypal: Moderate
Antisocial: Low
Borderline: Moderate
Histrionic: Moderate
Narcissistic: Moderate
Avoidant: Moderate
Dependent: High
Obsessive-Compulsive: Low

URL of the test: http://www.4degreez.com/misc/personality_disorder_test.mv
URL for more info: http://www.4degreez.com/disorder/index.html
- posted by Lion's Cub @ 10:36

  Time & Motivation

Never enough time to do the things I want to do. When there is time there is no motivation. Motivation is one of my biggest hangups. There is so much that I want to do, but just cannot find the motivation to do. It is getting better with the start of the new medicatons. It stillis not where I want it. Maybe my motivation will never be 100% but it could still stand some improving.

Then there is my scatter brain syndrome. When I do find some bit of motivation I start work but cannot keep on task long enough to complete one thing. Take this journal entry I think I have done 3 or 4 things other then write just because I thought of them.

Well that is all for today, my goal is to really try to write at least once a week. To say something, about anything but say it often (grin). Quite possibly those of you who read these words will say that most of my posts are a little something about nothing. Well that may be the case. I know I am doing well to post once a month, so that is why I am setting my goal higher then that.
- posted by Lion's Cub @ 10:04

  Been a while

Wow, its been a while since I have written. What has happened in the time frame. So much it is hard to even put into words. Life has been very interesting to say the least. Maybe I will go through and touch on the highlights in future posts, but for now suffice it to say I am back. My situation in general has not changed. I have been off meds for about a year now. I see a doctor this afternoon so we shall see where that goes.

Life off meds has been extremely difficult. I struggle daily with simple motivation to do much of anything. Probably the main reason why I have neglected this blog for so long. Rather then fight through the pain and actually get something accomplished I have found that I more often just fall back into the easy do nothing attitude.

I am working on a new website, and I really need to focus on that. It is extremely difficult and my thoughts seem to jumble every time I try and focus. What should take me a matter o minutes ends up taking hours. Dealing with this beast of a computer has not helped either. The biggest problem I seem to be having is focusing. I am trying to do 4 or 5 things at once and not accomplishing much of anything.

Oh well before this entry becomes a hodge podge of disjointed ideas I will close this out for now. Hopefully I will work at this one day at a time and maybe with a little grace of God be able to get more of this fleshed out a little.
- posted by Lion's Cub @ 09:43

  Motivation

Just setting here wondering what to say. It has been a while since I have written and I should probably write something. I want to write something but I also feel this weight hanging over me. So much I want to do and so much that just doesn't seem to get done. I just don't seem to have motivation to do anything.

Motivation is the main thing that I see missing from my life right now. Oh I could blame it on the lack of medication and I am sure that has a lot to do with it. I just don't know where to turn these days. It seems like everytyhing just takes so much energy and I don't have the energy to do the things that I know need to be done.
- posted by Lion's Cub @ 20:03